Monthly Archives: April 2011

Founding Fathers—Once a Liberal Drunk, Always a Liberal Drunk.

Let’s talk founding fathers. You might steer clear of conversations with such boring undertones, and frankly I don’t blame you. But let me shed some light on the most hilariously social founding father of all time: Benjamin Franklin.

Black and white photo of Benjamin Franklin

Here is Benny looking rather pudgy, and a bit colorless if I may say so.

The Benjamin Franklin I have in my mind (from a long history of shunning archaic fat men) is a reticent white man of the continual age of 80. Was Benjamin Franklin ever younger than 80? The answer is, of course, no. And actions speak louder than words in this situation, which may not mean anything to you just yet. But Franklin, whose iconic photo to the left seems rather harmless and portly—I’ll resist calling him beefy since I would never be able to unequate edible animals with Ben—was actually very mischievous and, surprisingly, farcical.

Perhaps the first man to coin the American Dream (the concept, not the term), Old Benny tended to write away his “errata” and leave behind sagacious maps for younger generations of  supposedly hearty half-witted ham heads. Continue reading


Awkward Encounters

Following the realization that my education would soon cost me a humble mound of gold, and that my (then-current) rate of education was brutally worthless, I have become less and less able to respond to awkward strangers in attempt to force my resume into a handsome and alluring work of art. In the beginning I thought clumsy clashes with strangers were my fault. Over time, though, I have realized that it’s not me, it’s them. I am not the weird one. I can function like a socialized human; I’ve only become intolerant of the inability of other people to act as our rigorous society dictates. Let me expand, and perhaps give advice on how to avoid these painful and time-consuming meetings.


Cafes have become a notorious hot-spot of ham-handed conversations, causing me to avoid lattes and espresso altogether. There is always that certain someone who I barely know and am forced to say hello to, even if I have nothing to say or know absolutely nothing about the person and don’t care to fiend a convincing exchange of interest. The best way to avoid these conversations—a tried and true technique—is to stare intently away from this person of  alarming inconvenience at something in which you are desperately interested in. Gaze adamantly at whatever object you must, whether it’s a painting of a dead bird or a collage of faux-antique fashion cut-outs. Your awkward moment will subside.

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Blogging, according to the OED.

I start this blog on a foolish note. To be sure I could fully conduct the job of blogging, I began by a little research. This asinine project included me looking up the non-existent word “blogging” in Fowler’s Modern English Usage—seriously—and then feeling immediately defeated when the word following “bloc” was “blonde.” It was at this moment I that I knew I could not, in fact, handle anything more than a lame journal and a ill-functioning pencil, but as any hope-filled and rash American I continued on my way to the OED.

A note about the OED: I have been told countless times that I should not refer to the Oxford English Dictionary as the OED. Nonetheless, I continually defeat professors and editors alike in my one-woman stand against illiteracy and a general distaste for those who insist that absolutely any garbage website counts as a relevant and trustworthy source. But I digress.

In the OED I found hope; blogging is nothing more than,

“the activity of writing or maintaining a weblog.”

I was immediately thrown off by the awful word weblog, which is so disgusting that I’m surprised I am willing to allow it on my very own blog. But, alas, I must cite these things honestly.

So, this is how Contemporary Woman begins. A comical look into the life of a realistic—yet ambitious—woman about the enter a world void of employment and experience.

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