Following the realization that my education would soon cost me a humble mound of gold, and that my (then-current) rate of education was brutally worthless, I have become less and less able to respond to awkward strangers in attempt to force my resume into a handsome and alluring work of art. In the beginning I thought clumsy clashes with strangers were my fault. Over time, though, I have realized that it’s not me, it’s them. I am not the weird one. I can function like a socialized human; I’ve only become intolerant of the inability of other people to act as our rigorous society dictates. Let me expand, and perhaps give advice on how to avoid these painful and time-consuming meetings.
Cafes have become a notorious hot-spot of ham-handed conversations, causing me to avoid lattes and espresso altogether. There is always that certain someone who I barely know and am forced to say hello to, even if I have nothing to say or know absolutely nothing about the person and don’t care to fiend a convincing exchange of interest. The best way to avoid these conversations—a tried and true technique—is to stare intently away from this person of alarming inconvenience at something in which you are desperately interested in. Gaze adamantly at whatever object you must, whether it’s a painting of a dead bird or a collage of faux-antique fashion cut-outs. Your awkward moment will subside.
Gyms are a disgusting breeding ground for (some, not all) single men to make women feel uncomfortable and weird. Women go to the gym for two reasons.
1. To enhance the cerebellum.
2. Because they feel gross.
The former here is much more likely, and I would guess that between 90-100% of women at the gym are there because they feel gross. Thus, men gaping only gives one more reason not to go to the gym, and one less reason to feel guilty about it. When I catch a man trying to lock eyes with me at the gym, I promptly look at him straight in the eyes with no sign of a smile. This can be a hard look to hold, perhaps because it is an odd feeling to stare at someone in the eyes, but is essential to eschewing any sort of even more awkward no-you-can’t-have-my-number conversations. Another—and often better—choice to avoid post or pre-gym gawky encounters is to look as terrible as possible from the beginning. Wear ill-fitting pajamas and avoid all beauty or hair products to ensure full disregard by fellow human gym-goers.
Having worked in restaurants throughout my college existence, I have become painstakingly aware of the total lack of communication that people posses (or, more appropriately, don’t posses). I often wonder whether people have ever actually been outside the place in which they reside, or if this incident is the first time ever they have made any sort of human contact. Let me walk you through a few annoyances that have become so normal to me that I forget what socialized humans are even like:
A man waves his credit card at me. When I arrive at his table, he asks for a Mt. Dew.
An old man (A SENIOR, he yells) orders off the children’s menu.
A mother would like a second cup for her refillable drink. She just wants to share it with her friend.
A family tells me that they are allergic to eggs, but stills wants the only soup with eggs in it.
As I walk towards a table with half-empty water cups, the person closest holds up his glass and asks for more water.
Now, I realize my life is not that difficult. But how do these people get away with acting like total buffoons is public? I am, although annoyed, glad that I am placed in these awkward situations because it forces me to learn how to deal with people outside of my normal day-to-day activities. Silver lining?